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The Gift of
Receiving By Jude Acosta,
LCSW, CHT
Most of us know from our own experience that
holiday shoppers can be lumped into two grossly
generalized groups: those who are worried about what
they’re going to give and those who are worried about
what they’re going to get. In a sense, it’s not all that
different in the larger circle of life. There are givers
and there are getters.
Over the years, it has been my observation
that the getters are not all that worried about getting.
Not really. They’re anticipating and expecting, but not
fretful. The givers on the other hand truly fret. They
make lists. They change them. The review gifts they’ve
given in the past lest they buy something similar. They
start out with one gift per person and wind up with
three or four or more. They love to give. And they love
to see people respond to them with love and
appreciation.
However, since it is the season of giving,
there is a de facto twist for these givers—it is also
the season of receiving. If one gives, then another must
receive. And for givers that is not as easy as it
sounds. They love to give, but it is an entirely
different affair when they are on the receiving end.
A while back a friend of mine who is a
devout, loyal and generous man was helping me out with
my garden. I had asked for his advice as a botanist in
selecting specimen plantings and laying them out
properly. Because he is so generous, advice became a day
of drawing things out on graph paper, making lists of
shrubs and perennials, and finding a wholesale nursery
we could work with. That soon turned into his physical
help in buying the material, loading and unloading the
truck, turning over rock-filled beds, digging the holes
and tamping down dozens and dozens of plants. I stated
to him clearly at the beginning of the process that if
his “help” ever evolved into anything more than a few
opinions that I felt strongly that he should be paid for
his time. (At one time he had been a professional
landscaper). I reminded him on the drive to the nursery
that I appreciated his help and asked him to think about
his fee. He laughingly dismissed me. I said it a second
time while we were unloading the plants. He laughed
again. Finally, I offered him an envelope and we
proceeded to hand it back and forth like a flu in the
first grade until I put it in his shirt pocket and said,
“If God wants us all to give in His name how can I give
if you won’t receive?”
How to Receive with Love
The truth at the time is that neither he nor
I were very good receivers. I stood as firmly in the
givers camp as he did, which made giving to one another
absurdly difficult. However, according to behavioral
psychologists and anthropologists, it is a supremely
important social impulse and there are more than a few
good reasons to give:
it increases the bond between
us and the person to whom we have given;
it generally increases our
feelings of competence;
it helps keep us aware of our
place in the Divine scheme and cognizant of the fact
that we can have a positive impact on the lives of
others;
it keeps us grateful – if we
have enough to give, then we’re not so bad off;
it sanctifies our lives;
it reinforces compassion and
love where it did exist and makes room for it grow where
it didn’t exist before.
According to those
same social psychologists and behaviorists, giving is
not just an effect of an internal emotional or cognitive
process. It is a cause. By giving—by acting as if—we
create a feedback loop that creates an emotional or
cognitive matrix. Daryl Bern, Ph.D. explains that we
deduce our attitudes from our behaviors, which is
why so many rehabilitation programs use slogans such as:
Move a Muscle—Change A Thought or Act As If.
If you act as if you care long enough and consistently
enough, you begin to believe it. If you act like a sober
adult, soon enough you begin to feel like one.
The danger is when
we are so intent on giving that we forget to let others
give to us. We’re so busy being the givers, we leave
them no opportunity. According to Ellen J. Langler, “the
person who attends to a…suitor’s every need and asks for
nothing in return may come to care more and more for
that person. But that person [the giver] may be cared
for less and less in return because the suitor is not
being given the same chance to feel effective. We
mistakenly think we will lose a partner's affection by
burdening him or her with our requests for favors or
acceptance of gifts. Attending to someone else's needs
leads to affection for that person. Discouraging a
desired potential suitor from giving, then, is clearly
the wrong strategy for fostering affection.”
If giving is the glue of the relationship, then receiving is the vise
that lets the glue take hold.
Some Seasonal Pointers For
Giving Stresslessly
• A
good gift is a good match—not for us, for the recipient.
If you’ve never ever seen Johnny watching spectator
sports but you get him tickets to the Rose Bowl because
you think it would be “good for him,” who’s the gift
for? You or Johnny?
• A
good gift shows some thought, but it isn’t overdone.
Giving beyond your means is not only stressful to you,
it may be awkward for the recipient or perceived as
excessive. Keep the gift loving but appropriate to the
relationship, especially when you’re giving to
co-workers.
• A
good gift demonstrates your feelings about the
relationship and how you value it. It doesn’t have to be
expensive or flamboyant. The best gifts are often the
gifts that show someone was paying attention all year,
for instance, remembering the time your friend, Joan,
commented on how much she liked a pair of gloves she saw
in a catalog or how your colleague, Rob, wanted a
particular DVD. Simple things, perhaps. But important.
• Good
gifts show some effort on your part, not something you
picked up at a local supermarket while you were in the
toy aisle.
• A
good gift should NEVER symbolize your dissatisfaction
with another person or make a statement about how you
wish they would give up smoking, lose weight, or tone
up. A good gift speaks of acceptance.
• A
good gift is almost never a joke. A joke has a time and
place. A birthday or a special holiday is usually not
it.
• A
good gift is something someone would probably not get
himself. According to Margaret Rucker, a professor of
textiles and an expert in the science of gifting, "It’s
not a gift if it has a cord attached.”
Some Pointers on
Receiving Well
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Say thank you and put a period at the end
of it. Refrain from repeating “You shouldn’t have,” or
“Oh, this is too much,” or, the worst, “How could you
possibly afford to do this?”
§
Acknowledge any anxiety you experience and
file it away for later. Express only joy and gratitude.
Let people know that you have received their kindness
and their love.
§
Remember that receiving a person’s love is
a gift to him or her.
§
Avoid competition or trying to outdo, pay
back, or respond to imagined obligation. Keep it simple.
Give what you can. Give what you desire to give. Then
receive what is given in the same spirit.
§
Keep your perspective. If a gift is not
perfect for you, avoid taking it personally. Not every
gift has to be imbued with eternal, deep meaning.
Sometimes people are stressed and busy and don’t have
the time or the memory for all that is required of them
come holiday time.
§
Whatever you receive or don’t, whatever
you give or don’t, stay in synch with the real reason
for it all—love of God and love of one another.
Everything after that is gravy.
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Judith K. Acosta, LCSW, CHT
is a writer and psychotherapist with a
consulting practice in Placitas, New Mexico
and Butte, Montana. She specializes in the
treatment of trauma and anxiety and writes
frequently about fear management and the
role of major media.
A writer for more than twenty
years, she's worked on projects ranging from
editorial pieces in newspapers and
magazines to consumer advertising and
branding to collateral and technical
brochures.
As the co-author of
The Worst is Over: What to Say When Every
Moment Counts (Jodere Group, 2002), she
has appeared on television and radio and has
presented the concept of Verbal First Aid
(using words to promote calm and healing) to
audiences across the country.
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